A Little Closer to the Sunshine: June 2012

Sitting here, listening to the hum of jet engines and the crackle of plastic wrappers, it is hard for me to believe I’m on my way home after finishing my first year of teaching in La Paz.

A year ago, I was somewhere in between – I had graduated from Florida State, and my mind was filled with a million and one questions as I prepared for the move to Bolivia. I was getting ready for a trip to Atlanta for Alex and Caleb’s wedding, and I had already booked a flight to Memphis for my Pre-Field Orientation (PFO). I was confident of God’s call to Bolivia; I was afraid of the unknowns. What will it be like? Will I be able to do it? What classes am I even teaching?! Was I excited? Maybe excitement had its place among the myriad emotions I was experiencing. But excitement did not find itself center stage.

Today, I am on my way home, and in some ways, it feels as though nothing has changed. Yet, this year has brought many joys and many challenges, and in many ways, nothing is the same. God’s faithfulness, though, and my absolute assurance of his call to Bolivia remain the same.

So what is different?

Well, for starters, I will never be a first year teacher again. And I survived! Middle school is an exciting, emotional, and energetic place to be, and I love everything about it. Sure, there are attitudes. Yes, middle schoolers do some silly and occasionally annoying things (Remember, their frontal cortexes aren’t fully developed yet…). But the wonderful outweighs the weird, and I can’t imagine my life without 50 sixth, seventh, and eighth graders in it.

My days are filled with laughter, and teaching brings out the actress in me. Somehow, all stage fright flees when I’m singing “The Food Chain Song” to my 6^th grade class, though that doesn’t stop my heart from racing when I stand to speak in front of any size group of adults. Which brings me to a lesson learned: kids feed off of your energy. Kids will be enthusiastic about what you are enthusiastic about. This year, there were many days when my classes came in…dragging. Energy was low. Maybe they were tired; maybe they were bored. It was on those days that I found a little theatric flare really made a big difference. You may know the traditional PEMDAS rules to help you remember the standard Order of Operations, but I doubt you have met the royal Order. On days when my class was “dead,” King Parentheses, Queen Exponents, Prince Multiplication, Princess Division, and the lowly servants Addition and Subtraction brought new life to the classroom. On the flip side of Lesson #1, I learned that if my class came in fired up and bouncing off of the walls, that was a day to set a mellow tone. Too much unharnessed energy in a middle school classroom can make for a stressful and unproductive class.

Being a first year teacher is certainly challenging, and I am thankful I will never have to do it again. Many times this year, I asked myself, “What am I even doing? Are my kids learning anything?” Nevertheless, the many lessons learned leave me hopeful that each year I’ll learn new things that will make me a better teacher for the years to come. For starters, I can now look at what a school year looks like from start to finish, and I’ve already developed systems that work well for me which I can, and will, improve on in the future. Oh ya, and I actually know what I’m teaching! Those things may seem small, but they’re a step up from where I was at the start of the 2011-2012 school year.

Some of the most encouraging statements this year in light of my lingering “Are they learning?” question came directly from my students. I had several students tell me how for the first time in their lives (short though they may be) they liked math and science and that they understood the subjects. One student even told me I should work at his old school and that he would write my recommendation letter. These compliments meant the world to me. When I was in middle school, math and science were at the bottom of my favorites totem pole, and because I didn’t enjoy them, I didn’t work as hard in those classes. How would I have described science? “Boooring…” Now I have to ask myself, “What was I thinking?!” Today I think science and math are fascinating, fun, and so applicable to everyday life I often wonder, “How did I think this was so pointless?” So one of the biggest rewards for me is the knowledge that, though my students may never be rocket scientists, they at least are developing an appreciation for the excitement of science and the puzzle, mystery, and fun of math!

What else is different?

I could have predicted that I would survive my first year as a teacher, and I could have predicted I would learn some big lessons. But item #2 on my list of things that are different came as a complete surprise, and a completely wonderful one at that! God has a funny sense of timing, and his plans often look very different from our own. This was one of those cases.

Prior to leaving for Bolivia, I committed the year to the Lord. “God this is your year. I want my life to be focused on you.” As a part of that, I determined that I wouldn’t date anyone this year. Realistically, I didn’t think that would be much of an issue. I wasn’t dating anyone when I finished college and had never dated anyone before that time. So, that was that. I headed to PFO with no expectations, and although I knew there would be some men there who loved the Lord and were following his call for their lives, I knew that I was free to just get to know those guys as friends (in addition to the girls). While I was there, I met a man named Bennett Parkhurst who liked to play games, had a good sense of humor, was athletic, and tried to convince me to stay up past my self-proclaimed “bedtime” to keep hanging out with the group. We spent a lot of time together in our group of newbies playing everything from ping pong to Bananagrams, and Ben and I had many occasions to talk and laugh together over the course of the two weeks. We swapped testimonies and shared some things about our families and how we learned about NICS. We also laughed over shared jokes and ridiculous riddles, and when our group went to see Super 8 on one of the last nights of orientation, we sat next to each other and kept a running commentary going throughout the whole film.

When we left PFO, I wondered who I would stay in touch with. “Maybe I’ll keep up with some of the girls in Lima,” I thought. “They’re just across the border after all…sort of…” Little did I guess that Ben and I would continue talking every day. First it was Facebook messages, sprinkled with a blend of silly games, the day to day happenings, and serious conversations about theology and where God has brought us from. Then, when Facebook wasn’t sufficient, it was emails. Then, early in August, after Ben had moved to Korea and I had moved to Bolivia, Ben asked me to Skype one Saturday. Up to that point, I had been under the assumption that we were just friends, nada más. That request was one of the first times I started to think maybe there was something more to this (although there were a few times leading up to that point where Ben had made comments that left me wondering). I had already been praying for Ben as a friend, but around that time, I started praying about whether I should be talking to a guy who was just a friend so regularly. My journal is also filled with prayers about my simultaneously growing feelings for Ben as more than a friend. As I prayed, Ben and I continued getting to know each other, emailing and Skyping our way through our first month teaching abroad.

Then, at the end of August, Ben brought up the conversation of “us.” Broken by slow internet connection, our conversation is a memory we both look back on and laugh about. In that conversation, we established that we were both interested in getting to know each other more intentionally, even though dating didn’t change much about the day-to-day interactions in our relationship. After that conversation, I prayed and wrestled with my own questions, “God is this wrong? I didn’t plan to date anyone this year. Is this out of line with your plan for this year? Am I going back on my word to you?” I prayed and wrestled and sought godly counsel, and ultimately, after it all, I found myself coming to a place of peace with God. There was no “No.” He had continually opened the doors wide before us and had left me with a sense of assurance that this was from him. And so I walked forward, trusting that God would close the door or make it clear to us if this was not from him.

Through my relationship with Ben, I started to learn about God and myself in new ways. I started learning to trust God as he led Ben, and when certain questions would come up, I would pray that God would lead Ben’s heart. God is faithful. I have seen evidence of God answering prayers in our relationship even before Day 1, and on days when I wondered, “Is this right?” God used reminders of those answered prayers to lead me forward in peace. I have learned many lessons through what God is teaching Ben, and seeing his commitment to following our Father in obedience has spurred me on at many points throughout this year. Ben has encouraged me and challenged me to grow, and it has been an exciting journey of prayer, trust, patience, and, of course, fun. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It brings me to a place of humble praise and joy every time I consider God’s ironic sense of time and place, his faithfulness, his guidance, and the way he refines us through the oddest of circumstances.

So, where I am today, flying home with the excitement of knowing, “I get to see Ben!” is a far different place than I ever imagined I would be a year ago – and it is far better.

More differences, you say?

Just another of the many ways God has shown his continued faithfulness and provision this year is in the area of friendships. God has blessed me with a wonderful community of women from high school and college who have filled my life with love, joy, and encouragement for many years, and one of the hardest aspects of moving to Bolivia for me was knowing the time I would miss out on with those girls. I first thank God for these women, and I thank you, amigas, for being faithful, supportive friends during this year when I am so far away. I miss you all!

God has also blessed me with some incredible new friends this year. My roommate, Jess, my co-middle-school-teachers Bekah and Becky (who both have the middle name Joy! Weird, right?), my beautiful friend, Becca, my soon-to-be roommate, Lindsay, along with Maegan, Ali, Julie, and Amanda...I can’t imagine my life without these women. I thank God for continuing to provide the community I need. I thank God for the opportunity to walk with these women, learning from them and leaning on them in the midst of a lot of “new.”

Yes, there are more differences, not the least of which is my attitude about living abroad. Where there was fear, where there were questions, there is now “normalcy.” No, life is not always “normal” as I would define it (Bus driver uses passenger flashlights in place of headlights=normal?) but there is now a normalcy to what sometimes still feels far from the norm(No school because of strikes = “normal” in Bolivia).

Although I don’t have time to address the many more differences this year has brought, I can say that some things do remain the same. I am again amazed at God’s gracious provision, protection, and daily faithfulness in my life. I can think of many days this year when I did not have the strength (mentally, physically, whatever) to get through on my own. But, I’ll say it again, he is faithful. Again and again. He is so incredibly, shockingly, wonderfully faithful.

This year has been filled with growth, with laughter, with frustration, with joy, with new. And I can only thank God for it all. I am ready and excited for summer break in the States (Florida heat, here I come! I can’t wait to put on some shorts!), and I thank God for the very way he gives us rest just when we need it (because I do). I am excited to see my family. I am excited to go to my church. I am excited to catch up with old friends. I am excited to see my incredible boyfriend. J I am excited to see what this in-between season holds. And I am excited for rest.

So, there you have it. A few pages and a few hours later, I am still listening to the hum of the jet engines, a few hundred miles closer to home, and reminded again of the faithful God I serve. He who promised is faithful.

A Little Closer to the Sunshine

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Home Sweet Home

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Year One Done - Reflections